By Manali Jama and James Meng When someone identifies themselves as an ally, it means that they are choosing to unite with a group and advocate for them. Allies usually have more privilege that the individuals of that group do not have. Being an ally is more than being sympathetic towards those who experience discrimination. It’s more than simply believing in equality. Being an ally means being willing to put actions behind what they believe in. It is actively working to end oppression and creating equality. In high school, this means high school boys having the opportunity to become great allies to high school girls because they have more privilege. High school boys do not have to worry about getting sent home for “distracting” the opposite sex because of what they wear. High school boys do not have to worry about getting grabbed at or groped when they walk down a crowded stairwell. High school boys do not have to worry about strangers whistling or shouting obscene things at them when they are leaving school. But high school boys can take action to help prevent this from happening, or at least slow it down. Here are some things high school males can do to be good allies to their female counterparts: Initiate genuine and opened conversations with male friends Important issues can't be talked about unless they are brought up. Part of the problem is that as teenagers, boys can talk about sports, movies, music, and cars--but when it comes to talking about how friends are objectifying girls when asked “How their date went”, these issues are hard to talk about so no one wants to be the guy to bring it up. This generation of young men could be the ones to challenge themselves to get out of their comfort zone and talk about issues that might feel uncomfortable. If high school boys can initiate genuine and open conversations with their friends about sexism they hear in locker rooms or the domestic violence cases occurring in the NFL, they can be good allies to girls and women by bringing awareness to the problem. This is a good first step into bringing on change. Calling out toxic behavior / intervening (when it’s safe) Allying against toxic behaviors fundamentally requires boys to be able to call out and intervene in problematic interactions against girls. Bystanders give perpetrators permission to continue inappropriate behavior. If people are making obscene comments, but you refrain from stopping them, it is easy for them to think that you condone their behavior. It is important that there aren’t any exceptions to those you call out. Whether it is somebody you do not know well or a best friend, toxic behavior should still be criticized. If you hear a classmate or a friend cracking a sexist joke, although it might be “just a joke”, step in and say something! Secondly, toxic behavior should be addressed in all spaces. Whether it is in person, on social media, in text threads, and even in online chats with many people involved, you still need to intervene! The only way to discontinue the behavior is to stop it immediately in whatever space it occurs. Self evaluation Conducive to the process of building a healthy culture is reflection. If you are interested in becoming an ally to girls, and you yourself are confronted for poor behavior, instead of becoming defensive, aim to listen and reflect on your own actions. Instead of trying to immediately justify or explain your actions, as a male ally, analyze what aspects of your behavior might have been problematic and how it may be contributing to toxic culture. This mindset would help speed progression towards healthy behavior. If someone calls out your behavior, instead of thinking,“how could I have been wrong?” Ask yourself, “What can I do better?” Similarly, male allies should also reflect on their own actions without prompt. Even if you haven’t been confronted for any poor behavior, it may still be the case that you’ve committed microaggressions or other subtle behaviors that aren’t noticeable or egregious enough to be called out. By actively taking the opportunity to reflect on one’s own behavior, any male could significantly improve their community. Providing support In situations where something traumatic happens to a female, such as sexual assault or harassment, it may be really hard to talk about. If a female chooses to confide in you, make sure that you listen attentively, and most importantly, believe her. One of the big reasons females don't share their traumatic experiences is because of the fear of not being believed. Even if there is nothing you can do, one thing males can always do for girls and women is provide support by acknowledging the courage it takes to share their story. This is one of the easiest ways high school males can be good allies to other females. Challenging traditional male stereotypes Male allies can take a step forward by acknowledging male stereotypes and not succumbing to their arbitrary standards. For instance, boys in high school are often told to show strength by hiding their emotions. To young men, crying is a sign of weakness. They might be told to “quit crying” or “man up”. When high school male allies encounter these stereotypes, they should ask themselves if this is really healthy for them as a person, not as a man. If it is not healthy, male allies can actively resist such stereotypes and challenge their merits. These are just a few things that high school boys can do to be better allies to high school girls. It is important that males try their best to be allies as their actions and voices are important in the fight for equality. This document was supported by a grant by RALIANCE, a collaborative initiative to end sexual violence in one generation, made possible through a commitment from the National Football League (NFL). Its contents are solely the responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily represent the official views of the NFL.
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By James Meng, Manali Jama, Yahriel Salinas-Reyes, Alex Song, Rodney Washington-Norris, Ethan Ung, and Nathan Ung of Monsoon’s Violence Prevention Program. “Boys will be boys” is a phrase that has long been ingrained in society. It is often seen as an attempt to explain problematic behavior from young boys and men. Whether the behavior is inappropriate aggression or poor impulsiveness, it is, at its core, an excuse. It is an excuse for men and boys to act as they please. It is an excuse for men and boys take no accountability for their worst behaviors. It is an excuse that has been normalized by our culture to brush off disgraceful behaviors without consequence, because after all, “boys will be boys”, and it cannot be helped. So long as this phrase, and the mindset it comes with, persists in our society, gender-based violence will remain an issue. This can be seen clearly with the Brett Kavanaugh allegations. Kavanaugh, a supreme court nominee, has been accused of 3 separate sexual assault cases that occurred when Kavanaugh was in both high school and college. However, many public figures have come to Kavanaugh’s defense, including the President of the United States, saying such behavior is unrepresentative of the man Kavanaugh is now, and that the accusers should be discredited because she did not report all those years ago, so how could it be true? This rationale excuses perpetrators of sexual violence and encourages society to turn away from serious claims. Now is the most important time to address these issues. Only 1 out of every 3 rapes is reported. And out of every 1,000 rapes that do get reported, 994 rapists walk free, according to Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network and Bureau of Justice Statistics. As a society, we must believe survivors. We need to move away from discrediting stories of sexual abuse and instead listen with open ears. Upon hearing brave disclosures, we cannot continue to dismiss these allegations as irrelevant or untrue. We must believe survivors, and the excuse of “boys will be boys” must end. This document was supported by a grant by RALIANCE, a collaborative initiative to end sexual violence in one generation, made possible through a commitment from the National Football League (NFL). Its contents are solely the responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily represent the official views of the NFL.
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